Golf Jokes

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Joke:

Someone died playing golf... Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!"she said, to which Fred replied "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Joke:

A group of golfers was searching for one of their golf balls out in the deep rough. After several minutes of laboring, the golfer who sliced his ball out into the trash declares he has found his ball, inciting another in his group to scream out

"He is a damn liar! I have his ball in my pocket!"

Joke:

Fred and Harry were playing their usual weekend match on the links at Royal Sydney and were annoyed by an unusually slow twosome in front of them. One of them was seen to be mooching around on the fairway while the other was searching distractedly in the rough.

"Hey," shouted Fred, "why don't you help your friend find his bloody ball?"

"He's got his bloody ball," came the reply. "It's his bloody club he's looking for."

Joke:

Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro.

"But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter."

The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Bert.

"How old are you?" George asked.

"I'm ninety-four," Bert responded.

"Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?"

At this, Bert blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!"

"Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf."

George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Bert.

"Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one.

"Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Bert yelled.

"Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?"

Bert dropped his head, and muttered, "Sorry,I forgot."

Joke:

As he was walking his dog one weekday afternoon, Fred, the bookie the punters loved to hate, espied a young lad upon the local links. Fred stopped for a moment to watch him tee off and stayed for longer when he saw that the boy had talent.

Indeed he had holed his tee shot. He was about to call out his congratulations when the lad teed up again and once more holed in one.

Now Fred, never one to let an opportunity pass, walked up to the youngster, congratulated him and asked: "How old are you, lad?"

"Eleven, sir," the young person replied.

"Anyone else here seen you play?" Fred enquired.

Having received the assurance that no one had, Fred proposed a match the very next day with the club champion lined up against the young tyro.

The odds were handsome - 10 to 1 against the new young player.

The lad, however, took 11 at the first hole and went on around the course in much the same way. Of course he lost badly. Fred was furious.

"You've made me look a right fool my lad. What's the idea of pretending you can't play?"

"Listen, dope," the youngster whispered, "next week you'll get 100 to 1."

Joke:

Bob always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Bob could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Bob, did you hear about Brian? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Bob, "but it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Bob, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

Joke:

A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8PM later that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.

The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. That's why I'm late!"

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains all over your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!"

Joke:

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 23 votes short..?"

Joke:

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

Joke:

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"

That was the last thing he could remember.

Joke:

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

Joke:

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.

He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.

The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

Joke:

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

Joke:

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

Joke:

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Joke:

A group of golfers were putting on the green when, all suddenly a ball dropped in their midst. One of the party winked at the others and shoved the ball into the hole with his foot. Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green quite out of breath and red of face. He looked round distractedly and then asked: "Seen my ball?"

"Yeah, it went in the hole," the joker answered with straight-faced alacrity. The fat one looked at him unbelievingly. Then he walked to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball. His astonishment was plain to see. Then he turned, ran down the fairway and as he neared his partner the group on the green heard him shout: "Hey, Sam, I got an eleven."

Joke:

Two golfers, slicing their drives into the rough, went in search of the balls. They searched for a long time without success while a dear old lady watched them with a kind and sympathetic expression.

At last, after the search had proceeded for half an hour, she addressed them sweetly.

"I hope I'm not interrupting, gentlemen," she said, "but would it be cheating if I told you where they are.'"

Joke:

Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?"
Joe says, "Yes I did."

"Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending 3 people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball."

"Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is," the cop says... "Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."

Joke:

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply.

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me".

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.

All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".

Joke:

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' And she said, "Take a sweater..."

Joke:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Joke:

A husband and wife had entered a golf contest, the object was each would alternately hit the ball.
The husband teed off with a mighty drive just short of the green on the par four first hole. As his wife stepped up, he said, "Don't worry honey, just chip it anywhere on to the green."
His wife hit the ball with a mighty whack, and drove it 120 yards beyond the green. The husband said, "That's all right, I can get it onto the green from there." And he chipped to ball within 5 feet of the cup. As the wife approached the ball, the husband said, "Just tap it very lightly toward the hole."
His wife smacked the ball to the very edge of the green.
The husband stepped up, and holed the putt.
As they walked to the next tee, the husband remarked, "I think we can do a little better than a 5 on the next hole".
The wife glared at him, "Yah, get it together, only 2 of those strokes were mine!".

Joke:

A foursome of golfers watch a lone player play up short of the green they are on. As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out. He almost runs to the tee where the foursome is. He looks at the bewildered players and says: "I say chaps, could I play through, I've just heard the wife has had a terrible accident".

Joke:

Some Things Your Wife Will Never Say

I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8.

I'd rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping.

Forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs

Joke:

There was this guy who went golfing every day, it didn't matter what kind of weather it was he was hooked on a round of golf. One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife's backside and said "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing?"

Joke:

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health food. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "remember, this is Heaven." Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's free!" "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"

Joke:

A golfer from the the PGA Tour dies and goes to Hell. While down there the Devil notices that the golfer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauge and sees that it's 95 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the golfer and ask why he's so happy. The golfer says, "The temperature is just like Florida in March."
The devil isn't happy with the golfer's answer and decides to "get" him, so he goes over to his controls and turns up the temperature to 105 degrees and the humidity to 90%. Afterwards he goes looking for the golfer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil asks the golfer, again, why he's so happy. The golfer replies, "This is even better, it's like playing the Austrailian open during December."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the golfer suffer. He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 115 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now let's see what that golfer is up too!" he says as he goes looking for him. He finds the golfer sitting on the floor even happier than before. The Devil can't figure it out and asks the golfer why he's so happy.
The golfer replies, "This is great, it's just Playing in The US Open!" The Devil, angrily walking away, says to himself, "That's it! I'll get this golfer!" He goes over to his controls and turns the temperature down to a freezing 10 degrees below zero! Within a matter of minutes, the pools of molten brimstone begin to ice over. "Let's see what that golfer has to say about this!" the Devil says to himself.
He looks around and finds the golfer jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "RICHARD ZOKOL HAS WON THE BRITISH OPEN!!!!!!!!!"

Joke:

After a life of golf, thinking he had a sound and consistent game, Fred has the worst round of his life.
Not able to take it, he enters the locker room, grabs a fresh razor, climbs into the showers and slits his wrists to die in the stream of water and blood ... Just after doing the deed and slumping down in the flow, a buddy comes in and yells "Fred, we need a forth tomorrow!"
Fred slams his wrists together and yells back, "What time?!?"

Joke:

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly the wife collapses from a heart attack! 'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband. The husband runs off to find a doctor, and soon returns, picks up his putter, and lines up his shot. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. 'I'm dying over here and you're putting!?!'
'Don't worry dear', says the husband calmly. 'I found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you'.
'Well how long will it take for him to get here', she asks feebly?
'No time at all', says her husband, practicing his stroke. 'Everybody's already agreed to let him play through'!

Joke:

A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How did your game go?"
The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.
The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

Joke:

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Joke:

Jack was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Pat had to go and get the test results from the doctor. "Now Pat, I don't exactly know what is the problem is -- Jack may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little strange. Jack needs to golf as often as he has strength and you need to give him all the sex he can handle." Pat nodded and left. When she got home, Jack was anxious to find out what his test results were. "Well Pat, what did Doc have to say? Pat looked him straight in the face. "Your gonna die."

Joke:

Two golfers were playing along somewhere near the edge of the course. One of them gazed across the fence and remarked, "Look at those idiots over there ice skating in this blizzard!"

Joke:

This local parish priest decides he's going to improve his game the next time he plays. When he goes into the proshop he asks the pro if he could play a round with him, just to get a few pointers. The pro agrees and leaves the shop with the priest. All through the round the pro gives the priest little tips on his grip and his swing. The priest plays remarkably and shoots a 95, his best score ever. Filled with pride he thanks the pro after the game. The pro coughs gently and says, "excuse me father but my fee for a lesson on the course is 40 dollars." The priest is aghast and sputters for a few seconds before reaching into his pocket for the money. He says to the pro, "why don't you bring your parents down to the parish and I'll marry them for you!"

Joke:

An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course. Two aliens were watching a solitary golfer practicing on a golf course. This was a new golfer and they watched in amazement.
The golfer duff his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough into the fairway, slice the next shot into the bushes, took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.
Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of game and they continued to observe the golfer.
Hit a great shot into a bunker by the green. He took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole. At this stage, the other alien told his partner, "Wow, now he is in serious trouble".

Joke:

Three men who had been avid golfers all their lives, were at the gates of heaven. St. Peter told them that past the gates of heaven was the greatest golf course ever created. He also said that you would be given a set of golf clubs based on how faithful you had been in your life. The first man went to St. Peter and admitted that he had cheated on his wife twice. St. Peter said that it was a bad thing that he did, so he gave him a middle of the line set of clubs.
The next man went before St. Peter and admitted that he had cheated on his wife once. St. Peter said that it was a bad thing that he did, but since he only did it once, he gave him a decent set of clubs. The third man went to St. Peter and said that he had never cheated on his wife, so St. Peter gave him a set of Big Bertha oversized clubs and irons.
A few days later the first two men were teeing off on the first hole and they saw the third man with his Big Bertha clubs, sitting on the side of the fairway crying. "You got the best set of clubs. What are you crying about?" one of the men asked.
"Well, I just saw my wife coming off of the 18th green and all that she was carrying was a 7 iron and a putter," the man replied.

Joke:

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

Joke:

Tom was a golf fanatic and a religious man as well. He would always play golf on the weekends and also make sure he went to church. Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling rather poorly, he remarked to his wife, "I sure hope there is golf in the after-life, I feel terrible!" To which his wife replied, " Oh you'll feel better, go done to church and say a little prayer." Tom agreed and headed to church.
Upon kneeling at the pew, Tom whispered a prayer, "Oh Lord, thank you for everything, my health, my wife, and my golf game. I hope that when i reach Heaven that I can still play golf." The moment he finished, he heard a voice thunder, "Tom, this is the Lord, I hear you and will answer your question. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?" Tom was startled, "Well, give me the good news". The Lord replied, "The good news is that we have over 1000 championship golf courses, play is never slow, play is inexpensive, and you will never lose a golf ball. Also, tee times can always be arranged."
Tom was ecstatic, "That is wonderful! You've answered my prayer! What possibly can be the bad news?" The Lord replied, "You tee off tomorrow at 9:00 a.m."

Joke:

A man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together.The friend has a little dog with him and on the next green, when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.
The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults."
"Somersaults!!!!How many of them does it do??"
"Mmm, depends on how hard I kick him in the ass!"

Joke:

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island.
As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo, and I am verra hungry!"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis.(A Scottish delicacy about which the less said, the better.) When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75 year old single-malt Scotch whiskey! The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

Joke:

I was out on the course when a lightning storm was beginning to come on. I was about to start back home to the clubhouse when my partner told me that we would be perfectly safe standing in the middle of the fairway if just held up our 1 irons... because not even god can hit a 1 iron!

Joke:

I was playing a round with an older fella and just as he was about ready to hit his tee shot down the 3rd tee he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took off his hat, put it over his heart, and stood silently and watched the procession go by until it disappeared.
I said, "That's really nice of you. Do you always do that when a funeral goes by?
He said "No, not usually, but I it's the least I could after 40 years of marriage"

Joke:

A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favor?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?" "No problem," she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything."

Joke:

There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they'd be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her.
When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game. Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was doing that, as after 17 holes she was at even par for the day.
She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin -- but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie.
She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men were observing. "You know," she said, "this is a very special day for me. I've always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there's thirty minutes of the best sex you've ever had in your life in it for you!"
Well, the first man ran over and said, "You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5 inches above the cup." The second man pushed him out of the way and said, "No way! I've had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10 inches high of the cup." The third man walked up and said, "Don't listen to either of them." He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme!"

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